The power of ‘Don’t’

Don’t run!

Don’t jump in the puddle!

Don’t bite!

How many times have you heard these statements being yelled at children?  Or indeed said them yourself?  The word ‘don’t’ used to be one that I’d frequently speak to my kids until I got to understand a little more about the workings of the subconscious mind, and then I realised that kids don’t hear the word ‘don’t’  but they do hear what comes after it and will do just that!  They are not doing it to intentionally aggravate you, it’s just that the subconscious mind does not understand the word 'don’t',  it is impossible to tell anyone not to do something and expect them to follow your instructions or at least not think about it. I’ll give you an example: If I said I’d give you  £100 but only if you don’t think of elephants dressed in tutu’s walking around a circus ring, I know that I’m keeping my money, because right now your subconscious mind has gone off and conjured up that exact image.

So whenever you say to a child Don’t do ‘x’ they’ll just hear the ‘x’.  What needs changing is the language we use with children so that we are taking responsibility rather than expecting them to. So instead of ‘Don’t run’ say ‘stop’ or ‘walk’, or ‘stand still’ (not ‘stop running’ or ‘don’t run’), if you don’t want your child to jump in the puddle, take their hand and say ‘let’s walk over here’ and lead them to where you want to go –take their attention away from the puddle by diverting their attention.  To begin with it really takes conscious effort to change the way you speak to your children and at first I would start a sentence saying ‘don’t’ then catch myself then re say what I wanted rather than what I didn't want. Luckily because children don’t hear don't they didn't realise that mum was doing this. In time – about a month (because that’s how long it take your brain to rewire) you’ll be doing it without thinking and noticing all the other mums saying don’t and you’ll want to tell them ‘don’t say don’t’ too!