Why do mothers need to talk? by Naomi Stadlen

Naomi Stadlen: Author of What Mothers Do and How Mothers Love

Naomi has run 'Mothers Talking' sessions at our Stoke Newington Store since we opened 8 years ago. These sessions are a wonderful place to be heard and acknowledged for the hard work mothers do. In this Blog, Naomi gleans from the mothers who attend, what they receive from the group.  The sessions take place every Monday (except bank holidays). For details see our events page. You can also buy Naomi's wonderful books from our stores or online.   ~ Eva



Talking is such an ordinary activity that it is easy to overlook how powerful it can be. As we talk to one another, we give shape to our experiences, notice how others respond, and this often helps us to question ourselves and to review our words in a new light. Listening to others can challenge us too.

As mothers, we are never short of subjects to talk about. When my children were small, I longed to be able to exchange views with other mothers. I now run weekly meetings called Mothers Talking in London, where mothers can do exactly that.

On Monday afternoons, I run a Mothers Talking group in the Stoke Newington branch of Born. I asked the mothers recently to tell me what they were gaining from it, and four of them emailed their replies.

They explained how important it was to recognise how their lives had changed. Marie Louise said: ‘It gives us a space to think and feel more deeply about what it means to become, and then be, a mother. We all know that it is life-changing. Nothing will ever be the same again.’

Leeza’s response was similar: ‘I'd say that mothers need to talk because becoming a mother is such a dramatic life change.’

Many mother-and-baby groups are designed for babies. Marie Louise liked Mothers Talking for being the opposite: ‘Once a week, to reverse the roles of the groups we go to. A group for mums where babies are welcome.’

Discussions between mothers can easily become competitive. But if mothers feel respected and secure, it is moving to see how attentively they listen, and how compassionate they are to one another. Natasha observed: ‘Your groups are a safe space in which to be heard.’

Once she felt safe, she could share problems: ‘The act of verbalising what's on our minds unburdens us, especially when we feel we have been heard by others who understand.’

Karen could see that unburdening herself helped her to be a better mother: ‘I talk simply to get things off my chest. I find that once I've got my own emotions and thoughts expressed, I have more space there for the little people and their needs and emotions.’

Leeza found that talking enabled her to think about the kind of mother she wanted to be: ‘It can be very helpful to have a space to consider the type of mother you want to be in amongst the world of advice of friends, relatives and supposed experts out there that often suggest things that go against a mother's instinct.’

Marie Louise found it very reassuring to listen as well as to talk: ‘For me coming from adoption rather than birth it meant more than I can say to hear the others mums' tales, as it reassured me of the commonality, of all that we share, as mothers, be it adopted or biological.’

Leeza saw it as a wonderful antidote to the worries a new mother could have, alone at home with her baby: ‘Early motherhood can be a lonely and challenging time and it helps to talk to other mothers to learn that the daily dilemmas you are faced with are completely normal and to help you feel less alone through the sometimes magical and sometimes crazy journey of early motherhood.’

Marie Louise ended by saying: ‘I became my son’s mother while attending your group.’

Natasha had come with a particular problem that troubled her. Talking about it didn’t solve it, but she commented after: ‘I felt lighter after talking with other mothers who are supportive.’ The act of sharing and the understanding she received helped her: ‘Each time I go away with a renewed energy for mothering.’

She appreciated the mothers she heard: ‘It has been good for the soul to meet some wonderful and inspirational mothers.’

At these conversations, we sit in a circle, with babies and toddlers playing around us, and each mother talks in turn. Mothers contribute in different moods, so we may share one mother’s anger, another’s anxiety, and a third mother’s hilarious anecdote. After each meeting, I get up feeling warm and energised, as if I’d been sitting beside a blazing wood fire.

~ Naomi